I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
