I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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