I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
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i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Houston, we have a squirter
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
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You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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