All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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