So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
