I faked an abortion last night.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
