How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
