You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
