Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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