Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
