I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
