dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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