My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
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I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
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Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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