you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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