is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
