Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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