I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
