You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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