she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
