He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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