Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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