She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
