mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
