Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
