i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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