Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
