I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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