I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
