I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize
