The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
