so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
