I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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