My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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