i was born a porn star she said
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
