I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
