lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
