i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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