I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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