you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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