I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
