11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
