OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
