My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
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Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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