Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
