i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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