I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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