I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
