well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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