By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
