I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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