his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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