I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
