there's paper in my vomit.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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