I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
