porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
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Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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