When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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