also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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