I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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