Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
